I have nothing to say.


"All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell"

MB20

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This is weird. Tomorrow is Thursday. Usually on Wednesday night, I have five Physics HW questions that I haven't looked at yet and a lab report to finish. And yet... tonight, I don't have any of those. We had a test in Physics on Tuesday, so there is no homework, and the lab report consisted of one unbelievably simple question which we answered LAST Thursday. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself....



"Six stolen elephants and a giraffe and you can't open the window or the pigeons will fly out."
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And I wanna fly
But never come down
And live my life
And have friends around

--Coldplay

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If you're going to read my blog, be prepared to be subjected to a few of my more absurd theories. For instance:

We may exist in the present, but we live in the past. How we perceive the world depends on our memories. Everything that happens is automatically sent to the "memory" portion of our brains and when trying to sort things out, that's the portion that we depend on to let us know what's going on. How fast our brain processes these memories dictates our reaction time. It has been correctly stated that "all we have are our memories."

And...

Inside your brain, there are thousands of little pathways, winding around dome-shaped "receptors." Tiny little "pulses"--translucent tear-drop shaped things with a fiery tail--rush along these paths, darting around the receptors and sometimes ducking into them. It is not until a pulse enters a receptor that thought occurs. New receptors are constantly being added and new "avenues of thought" are under construction at all times. Some of these receptors have 'underground' connections to the emotions. Some are connected to strong feelings of love, hate, protectiveness, jealousy, pain, fear, and so on and so forth. Some aren't connected at all, but are merely neutral. When a pulse enters a receptor with strong emotional attachments, the receptor vibrates and changes color, the color depending on the emotion. When trying to sleep, one must carefully direct these pulses into neutral receptors, so as to keep out emotions. Neutral receptors include (but are not limited to) numbers (i.e. counting to one hundred), letters (saying the alphabet), and trees (unless, of course, you have fallen out of one at some point in time). You cannot sleep with emotions rushing through your brain, so it is best to figure out which are neutral and concentrate on those.

Stuff like that comes from having too much imagination, I guess.

Remember that PreCalc quiz I had on Friday and how I just knew that I had missed the first one? Well, I got it right. I was checking it wrong! Now we're concentrating on logs, lns, and exponents. I don't mind because there is a minimum of graphing and lots of equations.

Next semester I think I'm going to take Spanish, Art History 2, Stagecraft, and.... I don't know. English maybe. Or math. It depends. I have to think about it. And maybe talk to a counselor.

Well, I have food in my backpack--a sandwich and a coke--that is calling my name, so I'm going to go eat and pretend to be awake the rest of the day.

Oh, one more thing: pray for my Mom. She's not feeling all that great.

Au revoir
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Everything’s been done before
Everything’s been said
Everything’s been written before
Everything’s been read
What is left for me to say
Every song’s been sung
What is left for me to do
Every prize is won
I’m stuck in a boring world
There is nothing new
It’s all been said, all been done
All recorded, too
Ever feel like you’re alone?
That’s not new, my dear
Ever been deathly afraid?
Felt before, I fear
It’s nothing special or new
Just rehashed again
One more line in an old song
Sung without an end
Clichés and tired phrases
Pervade our speeches
Worn-out words and weary rhymes
Hang on like leeches
The Parade of Life strides past
Floats are repeated
Battles are won, vict’ry gained
Foes are defeated
It is an age-old story
Told and told again
Good once again conquers all
Evil leaves its stain
We have seen it all before
We are bored with life
Nothing entertains us now
No, not even strife
We long for the fresh, the new
Unachieved delight
We would risk it all for this
That, friend, is our plight
We lust for what is not ours
Angry when denied
We’re never satiated
Never pacified
We don’t look beyond ourselves
Never offer aid
Every comfort has its price
The price must be paid
Everything’s been done before
Everything’s been said
Everything’s been written before
My poem has now been read

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"...Women lived in a different sphere than that of males. While men struggled in an often brutal world, women guarded home and hearth. They were superior to men in religious and moral sensibility; indeed, it was because of these fine faculties that men had to shelter them from a public life that was hardening, at best, and often corrupting. ... Woman's 'chastity is her tower of strength, her modesty and gentleness are her charm, and her ability to meet the high claims of her family and dependents the noblest power she can exhibit in the world.' The reward due women for accepting their divinely decreed private, submissive role in the world was the sacred right to be treated with deference."
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I have my notebook back. I'm so happy.

Every once in a while I'll have a day when I don't want to talk to anybody, listening to other people chatter drives me nuts, and I want to be left alone. These days don't come all that frequently, but when they arrive, I'm okay if I can stay in my room by myself all day. If I can't, I start to go nuts.

And it's usually on these days that Dad wants to go on family outings. Go figure.

Considering past performance, I think I did pretty good, though. I mean, my family knew something was up, but I didn't bite anyone's head off. An improvement, I'm thinking.

We have a party on Thursday, and I'm still lobbying for a caroling expedition on Friday. I don't know how much success I'm going to have. Support is kind of wobbly right now. ;-)

I had a crazy dream last night that was extremely realistic. I dreamed I hadn't gone to either of my Monday classes and couldn't remember why. Well, actually the second one I missed because I was playing tennis, but I DON'T play tennis. And if you know me and that I NEVER miss class if I can help it (I'm just weird that way) you'll know how bizarre and trippy that dream was.

I have links now. *points to the little Reality Check box* So they're not the most professional things in the world, but it works. If you click on it, it takes you where I want you to go. *grin*

Halloween decorations are starting to bug me. I mean, I don't mind a couple of pumpkins in the yard, or even a couple strings of orange lights, and the stickers of a witch crashing into the windows and doors are pretty funny, but the nasty "bodies hanging off the roof and trees* stuff is downright disgusting. I'm getting annoyed and can't wait until it's over. Oyah, the candy's good, too. ;-)

I have a job offer: Working in a store downtown for Emma's grandpa. Unfortunately, the schedule kind of clashes with my college schedule, so I'm just waiting to see what works out. It'd be great to get a bit of low-stress experience right now.

The week's over and I'm no closer to getting my permit than I was last week. *grins sheepishly* Oops. And Dad's going on a trip to Bakersfield. *waves* Bye, Dad. Hope everything turns out okay. May God keep you safe!

I have PreCalc in a wee bit. I get my quiz back and see exactly what I messed up on the first problem. I know I got it wrong, but I don't know what I was supposed to do.
*grumbles* I hate that.

We had our first "Singles" meeting yesterday at the Zivney's house. That was fun. We're going through Josh Hariss's stuff about relationships. He advocates getting things straight with God and letting Him work stuff out for you.

Loamhedge is owned by the library now! For those of you who don't keep up on current Redwall news (which would be... everybody), it's the newest installment in Brian Jacques Redwall series. I've got it on hold, but I'm sure there's a waiting list.

Rose is Rose is one of the cutest comics there is. I love it.

I've decided never again to apologize for rambling. After all, what are blogs for if not to spout?

I've got a Physics test tomorrow that I'm not "entirely" ready for. But that's what late-night study sessions with classmates are for. Fortunately, my classmates happen to be Amanda and Kathey. And if they don't feel up to a late-night study session, well... I'll do it myself. *grin* A late-night study session with Me, Myself, and I. Because if I can't enjoy my own company, whose company can I enjoy? Okay, that didn't make much sense.

Aight. I'm out.

Dominos No Biscuits for You.
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On a t-shirt I liked, although not the exact wording. I have to, ah, edit it.
"Forget love, I want to fall in chocolate!"
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Okay, this one was good too. Last one for now, I promise.


Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

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How did I know this one was coming?


You are Psalms.


Which book of the Bible are you?
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I should have seen this one, too, but I was hoping for winter....


You're Most Like The Season Autumn ...

You're warm, and the most approachable. You have
that gentle prescence about you. People can
relate to you, and find you easy company.
However it's likely you've been hurt in the
past and it has left you scarred so things can
become rather chilly with you at times. Being
the third Season in, you're mature, trustworthy
and loyal to your friends but prone to
depression and negative thinking.

Well done... You're the shy and sensitive season :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
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If I had one....


avoidant


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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You know, this thing is getting a little scary....


Protector


The ULTIMATE personality test
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This one's even more trippy, if you consider that Emma is the same....


Eb major - you are warm and kind, always there for
your friends, who are in turn there for you.
You are content with your confortable life and
what you are currently achieving; if you keep
in this state you will go far.


what key signature are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Last one....
For now, anyway. I might come across another really cool one.

*shpink*


innocent kiss - you're cute and sweet and like it
that way


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


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You're right, Em. It's addicting.


Your element is Earth. I hate to say it but you are
down to earth. Stubborn and loyal. You tend to
want to nurture others and you are the one
person friends always come to for awnsers.
Without people like you others would be flying
over the edge because, whether you know it or
not you keep a steady beat to your life and
will end up where you want to in the end. There
is a sureness about you that is hard to match
that draws people to you. No matter what
happens the Earth keeps turning.


What's your element
brought to you by Quizilla

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Well, I have a tagboard. It's ALL THE WAY AT THE BOTTOM if you want to go see it. *shrugs* Best I could do right now. At least it and the blog have learned to co-exist somewhat peaceably.
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Well, I'm trying to get a tagboard, but when I posted it, you couldn't see my blog, so I'm still working on this....
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I'm going to scream.....
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I'm trying to get a tagboard....
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Yesterday I went to stagecraft with Emma. I taped and painted a pole that will shortly be a spear in accordance with the thirty foot rule. I also got to watch Emma try to drench Justin, then insist he take revenge. Some other stuff happened, too, but I won't go into detail. Suffice to say, it was fun.

Today my History teacher covered basically everything he covered on Monday. He had forgotten where he was supposed to start, and I figured he had a reason. So we got a lot of free CP points today, repeating stuff from Monday. That was cool.

I'm hungry. I thought I had two dollars in my wallet and a bunch of change, but when I checked, I only had fifty-one cents. Not quite enough to buy anything. I might get mom to take me by Jamba Juice. I have a gift card with enough still on it to get a Mango Madness. I haven't been to JJ in a while.

I'm reading the Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers. I had already read 3 and 2, and had been unable to get 1. But I finally was able to get it sent to Napa and I finished it last night. It certainly cleared up a lot of questions connected to the other two. It's rare that I read a trilogy completely backward.

I'm really tired, too. I was a good little girl and read my history book last night, so I didn't fall asleep until much later than I had originally planned. And then, for some bizzare weird other-worldly inexplicable reason, I got up nearly half an hour before I usually do. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll make it through today's PreCalc at this rate.

Emma took out her braids last night, or started to. They were driving her nuts. I can't say I blame her. That many braids would bug me, too. I just wish I could have been there to see her hair frizz out. *grin*

Amanda has a blog. You should check it out.

I had some goofy stuff to post here, but I didn't finish writing it, and the book sitting on my lap is more appealing than trying to figure out what I want to say in the few minutes I have left before class, so....

You'll just have to wait.

S'later, everyone.

----{insert my name here}----
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I was sitting in PreCalc today, half-listening to my teacher talk about stuff I learned in Intermediate Algebra, and started to think about free verse and poetry and prose and writing in general, and what it is, or can be sometimes.
This is what I came up with:

Soggy paper
Dripping with grief
Soaked with rage
Dipped in emotion
Drenched with frustration
As strong rivers of feeling
Pour out of my soul
Onto the paper before me
Unchecked by reality
Unrestrained by rational though
Pieces of my spirit
Splattering the paper with bits of me
Captured forever
Soggy paper
Dripping with sap
Soaked with romance
Dipped in emotion
Drenched with ecstasy
As my imagination takes flight
And worlds collide
On the paper before me
Unchecked by reality
Unrestrained by rational thought
Pieces of my heart
Splattering the paper with bits of me
Captured forever
Soggy paper
Dripping with tears
Soaked with confusion
Dipped in emotion
Drenched with despair
As my deepest fears
Crawl out of my head
Onto the paper before me
Unchecked by reality
Unrestrained by rational thought
Pieces of my mind
Splattering the paper with bits of me
Captured forever
Soggy paper


Just in case you were interested. *grin*

Oh. One more, but I didn't write this:

I'm so very ordinary
Nothing special on my own
I have never walked on water
I have never calmed a storm
Sometimes I'm hiding away from the madness around me
Like a child who's afraid of the dark
But when I call on Jesus
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles and soar
When I call on Jesus
Mountains are gonna fall
'Cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call
Weary brother
Broken daughter
Widowed, widowed lover
You're not alone
If you're tired and scared of the madness around you
If you can't find the strength to carry on
Call Him in the mornin'
In the afternoon time
Late in the evenin'
He'll be there
When your heart is broken
And you feel discouraged
You can just remember that He said
He'll be there
(Nicole C. Mullen)


Have a great day! ;-)
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Collectively, we have had eleven hours of remembrance for Sis. Price. This includes the viewing (3 hours), the funeral (4 hours), and the memorial service (4 hours). I am not complaining a bit. It needed to be done. There is no way possible to encapsulate a woman of her greatness in an itty-bitty 1+1/2 hour funeral.

The funeral, by the way, was an experience that I will never forget. I didn't wear my silver outfit, but I was that close to doing so. *holds her fingers a miniscule distance apart* I wore a long black skirt, as predicted, and my burgandy shirt, the one with all sorts of designs on it.

The midterm in History-- 99%. I'm happy. I just have to figure out what I missed and make sure I don't miss it again.

I left my notebook at First Christian. I'm bummed about that. I hope nobody reads it. It's not, shall we say, for public consumption. To be taken cautiously under CLOSE supervision. Not that it's got anything bad in it. But if you read what's in one of my notebooks, you'd think you knew more about me than you ever wanted to know. And most of it is just stuff I spouted when I was tired or feeling weird. I'm working on getting it back.

The other thing is that I had a bunch of stuff written in there to post here. But now I don't have it, so I can't post what I wanted to. Phooey.

I was called "squirt" last night. Bro. Steve Crow. I suppose he's entitled to, since he's about a foot taller than I am and was in the youth group when I was on my mommy's lap, but I have never been called "squirt" by anyone! It was quite shocking. I'm still not quite over it yet. I'm sure the effect will wear off, and anyone else who calls me squirt will not get the same reaction. Probably a glare instead. ;-)

I inadvertantly informed the entire church last night that I wanted to write books. I knew I shouldn't have gone up to speak, but no one else had said anything about Sis. Price's writings (Angels in Charge and Through the Poppyfields). I had to mention it. Unfortunately, when I don't have things written out, I wind up spouting anything that floats to the top of my head. Well, not quite anything, but the results are often less than desirable for me. This is a classic example. Now I have people asking me when I'm going to finish a book.

Although I suppose that that was better than telling the entire church about Sis. Price's attempt to ply her matchmaking talents on me. It was after church one night and I had gone over to say hello. She asked me if I had a boyfriend. After informing her that my love-life was, and still is, non-existant, she told me that "there is a boy here that has his eye on you." What she didn't tell me, however, was who that boy WAS. I still don't know and now I never will! Talk about frustrating. Oh, well. It was long enough ago that he has probably forgotten me and moved on with his life.

Emma and Amanda spent the night Friday. Since Chvana didn't spend the night in my room, it was basically clean for no reason at all and that bugs me. So I was going to invite Miss Em, but forgot and she went to her play. I invited Amanda, but she was going to pick up Emma from the play anyway, so when we went to get her, I asked if she wanted to come too. She did. And we had lots of fun.

We braided Emma's hair into 34 tiny (nearly) symmetrical braids. It looks great. She french-braided the braids last night and that looked fantastic, but it made her head hurt, so she took it out about a third of the way through service. Apparently, she has received mixed reactions. The ones from the college generally involve profanity, and the ones from church range from strange looks to gushing compliments.

I think it looks pretty neat.

Dad announced to me this morning that I am going to work on getting my permit this week. What do I do but shrug and salute? Dad has laid down a mandate. "Mine is not to reason why, mine is but to do and die." Or however that line goes. Maybe he'll forget. But I do need to get my permit. The thing is, I'm not worried about my ability to handle a car, it's the other assorted morons and idiots that populate the road, threatening my continued safety, that bother me.

Well, this has been a very long post of random spouting. I've actually gotten pretty good at that, spouting. It comes from physics class--having a vague idea of what the answer might be on my homework and spouting stuff about that. I generally get most of the problem right.

I'll probably come back and spout some more later. As it is, there's a Mikey that I need to go find. I need conversation.

See ya'll later. *grin*

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
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*sigh*
I think I’m delirious!
Delirious with Delirious, that is. I absolutely adored them! They were better than ten times better live! I will never listen to them the same way again! They were hysterical!

They have a new album coming out February, and they sang some of the songs from it—Touch, Majesty, Rain, and one other, I think. It was fantastical!

"He was a skater boy
She said, see you later, boy"

Don't kill me. If you had gone or if you have talked to me, you'll know what I'm talking about. Completely hysterical.

The lead singer has got the most gorgeous accent, and a voice that I could listen to for HOURS and not get tired of it. And I got a signed poster! *sigh*

So I had fun.

The church is overflowing with flowers. Apparently a florist has run out of flowers and another has had to order more, and call in extra staff. They are reportedly "busier than mother's day."
Hey, we care for our own.

The funeral is today. It is going to be standing room only, no doubt about it. I heard the viewing last night was packed out with at least 400 people there. They had to bring in chairs.

The choir is singing. I hope I don't fall apart. I don't think I will, but there's always a chance. And I'm serving at the ministers dinner afterwards.

Uncle Carl and co. came down. Chvana was supposed to stay in my room last night, but somehow got sidetracked and fell asleep in Sarah's. They leave tonight.

I am sorely tempted to wear my silver outfit to the funeral. It would be shocking to everyone around me, but Sis. Price had a silver outfit she seemed to especially enjoy wearing. I don't think she'd mind. But funerals are for the living, so I'll stick with black. Not out of any sense of darkness and gloom, but simply because I like to wear it anyway and it will be easy. A nice long black skirt and... I don't know. Some dark-colored shirt, I'm sure. Maybe a jacket instead. We'll see.

My room is clean. My mattress has been flipped. The floor is vacuumed. The clothes have been hung up and folded. All that's left are a few loads of laundry. It's the weirdest feeling having a near-spotless room.

I've got the weirdest feeling that this post is just a bunch of random off-the-top-of-my-head thoughts. Do I care? No.

Emma just called. I love that girl. She and I don't always see eye-to-eye on things, but what do you expect? We're different heights. And we've essentially agreed to disagree, so it works. We've been close friends for--what?--five, six years now? It seems like it's only been a few months ago that we were sitting out in the circle with our binders, furiously writing a large green spaceship with a hyperdrive and trying to figure out if we were going to slap Rhys in irons or not.

Great fun, that.

Well, my mother is going to be around in a bit, so I'm going to sign off.

I'll be sure to let everyone know how much I cried today. That is, if I feel like talking about it. Which I might not.

I need more sleep. My mind is going off on weird tangents. I'd better shut up before I say anything Truly insane.

"It's always the same
You're always to blame
Is there any way around this
I can't see
You walked out on her
You planned to be free
I'm trying not to point the finger
But it's killing me"
Newsboys
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when all is said and all has come undone
when the sun, the moon and stars grow dark
before the days of youth are left in vain
before the dust reclaims its own again
Breathe on me
Breathe oh Breath of God
Breathe on me
`til my heart is new
Breathe on me
Breathe oh Breath of Life
Breathe on me
`til I'm resting in you

when all is said and all has come undone
restore the promise I made when I was young
now unto Him who can keep us from falling
and present us faultless before His glory

Breathe on me
Breathe oh Breath of God
Breathe on me
`til my heart is new
Breathe on me
Breathe oh Breath of Life
Breathe on me
`til I'm resting in you

(Newsboys: Breathe (Benediction))

Newsboys is seriously one of my all time favorite bands. There's just something about the way they sing and what they sing.
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Think I'll wait for the tide
Seems it's all I can do right now
There must be a reason
I've run aground
I'll wait for the waves
To come
By the moon and the tide
Like a man and his bride
I will wait
On you, Lord
And we will run so far from here
To your.........safety in the storm
There is courage for the simple man
To the holders of secrets and scars
Learning to stand with reaching arms
We'll wait till the very last
No matter what will be
You're always good
Always good
To me

(Newsboys: The Tide)
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Physics. Blah.
It's not as bad as it could be, I guess. I mean, where else do you get to play with clay during a lecture and "drown" metal and make clay boats that leak like nobody's business?

For the record, Kathryn was right about something and I was wrong. "I should have listened to her. I don't know why I didn't. She was right, and I was wrong." Anyone who has taken Fried will know what I mean.

So we spent two hours splashing around today. The other hour was spent learning what the point of the splashing was supposed to be. I forgot what it was. Either that or I wasn't listening. I forget which.

But it was fun. Except for the fact that the easiest hands-on labs tend to have the most perplexing questions. I'm going to be my regular procrastinating self and wait until next week to do them.

I'm going to a Delirious? concert tonight. I hear they're like ten times better live than recorded, so I'm pretty psyched. This is in lieu of the viewing. I realize that I might be a horrible person by going to a concert instead, but I'm going to the funeral. Viewings are harder than that, and I don't think I could handle both without becoming a basket case. And there isn't anyone who will be mortally offended if I don't show. I'll get the tape and listen to it later. Much later. For now, I'm working on getting past the funeral. *sigh*

I have clay on my hands and mustard on my shirt. You have my permission to laugh.

"... you, darlin', are insane."
Sir David
{one of my favorite things he's said. Don't ask me why.}
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I have a teddy bear.
I've had this bear since I was itty-bitty, but it was a lot bigger back then. (Either that or I was a lot smaller. Let me think about that for a while) The poor thing has a few rips, a whole lot less stuffing, it's faded and it's been through several pairs of button eyes, currently possessing one and a half. It's been sewn up and resewn and basically has had the life squeezed out of it and survived to tell the tales. If teddy bears could talk, anyway.
I never named my bear. It's just my teddy. I tried naming it, but nothing ever stuck.
It's the bear I could not sleep without when I was between the ages of five and ten or even a bit older. I loved that poor, pitiful, flattened thing.
I still love it. When I got the news about Sis. Price, I went and got my bear. It's a definitely smaller than I remember, but some of the comfort it provided during my childhood still resides there. It's comforting in a familiar way. If I can help it, I will never get rid of my bear.
Something faintly reminiscent of my childhood, the unquestioning confidence I had that I would be taken care of no matter what happened, still lingers in the stuffed animal.
It's beat up and floppy, but it's my bear and I love it.
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I finished my test. I feel pretty good about it. Took my sweet time and still finished within forty minutes. It was one of those tests where I couldn't study, one of those either-I-know-it-or-I-don't tests. And I guess I knew it. I'll know on Monday.

Now I'm waiting to be picked up. I have about twenty-five minutes, unless I decide to call Mom early. Which I might. And I'm going to pick up a comic book I have on hold at the library.

Then I'm going to go home and wallow in Jane for a while. ;-)

Speaking of---
Conversation:

Me: Here. Listen to this. It's Jane Eyre.
Friend: Jane Eyre? What kind of music do they play?
Me: It's not a band. It's a book made into a musical.
Friend (after listening to .3 seconds worth): Ah. It's opera.
Me: *groan*

May the sun shine on you and may your day be pleasant.
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Oops. One more thing.
Kathey
Emma

In case you didn't already know.
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Here I am. Another day at college. Another class. I have a Pre-Calc exam today. Anyone who feels like praying for me around 12ish, please do so. Amazingly, I understand all the material, but a little back up never hurt anyone.

Have you ever felt like your life could crumble at the touch of a button? I feel that way right now. It's like I'm one of those trick magician's wands, the ones that stand up straight while the prestidigitator is holding it, but the minute he lets go it collapses. I suppose I always feel this way after a major tragedy, but the last death I really felt was that of my Aunt Norrie, nearly a year ago. Everything about life seems so fragile after that, as if everything were pasted with a giant "Handle with care" sign.
*sigh*
I'm still bummed about the whole thing. I won't be myself again until after the funeral, I guess.

In any case....

Where do we go, nobody knows
Don't ever say you're on your way down
When God gave you style and gave you grace
And put a smile upon your face
Coldplay

I hung out with Emma in stagecraft yesterday, along with Justin and The Twins. It was great fun. As I said, I have an exam today, and I also have a midterm on Friday. But it's open book/open notes, so I'm not too worried. It's also in my favorite class, History.

I'm not entirely sure I know what I'm going to do with this blog. I guess I'll just post whatever comes to mind and not worry about it. That seems to be what I'm doing.
Have a great day, everyone.

*vanishes in a cloud of green smoke that smells faintly of pine*
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I was thinking yesterday about friends. Not just the hi-how-are-you friends, not just the let’s-go-hang-out friends, not even the talk-to-me-so-I-know-how-you’re-doing friends. I’m talking about the deep, unfathomable friendships, the I-don’t-care-how-far-you’ve-gone-off-the-deep-end-I-still-love-and-care-for-you-give-me-a-call-please friends. The friends who are always there no matter what you’ve supposedly done or said or actually done or said. The ones who believe the best about you no matter what. The ones who defend you behind your back. The ones who cling to hope no matter how badly you’ve messed up. The ones who would follow you to the ends of the earth to bring you back.
The real, genuine friends.
There are friends who wave at you when they feel like it and ignore you when it suits them. There are friends who will spend time with you and forget you when they think you’re not with it anymore. There are friends who will get to know you and sit back and speculate when they hear something bad, usually something along the lines of “I knew it would happen. All the signs were there. I was just waiting for her to blow up.”
And then there are friends who hear things and even see things firsthand and still offer you a margin of error. These are the friends who have learned the meaning of unconditional love and always there waiting for you, if not right there with you all the way there and back again.
There might be a day when I totally blow things. (But don’t worry, I’m not planning on it!) And I know that if that day ever comes, I’ll have people waiting for me, people who have never given up on me.
And I guess I just wanted to say thanks. You know who you are.


On a completely unrelated humorous note:

Tech support: Okay, now click on your left mouse button.

Customer (after short silence): But I only have one mouse.

(from my *shpink*-a-day calendar)

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I wish my second post didn't have to contain this...

Our founding pastor's wife passed away yesterday. She is with her Lord.

Sis. Price, we love you and we will miss you.
I Thessalonians 4:14-18
"For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words. "


Inevitable
Expected
Foreseen
Thoroughly anticipated
This did not strike from the darkness
It was not a shock
And yet—
It was
It’s like watching a slow motion punch coming at your face
You can see it coming
You know it’s coming
And yet when it connects it doesn’t hurt any less for that knowledge
And hurt it does
She’s in a better place
My head knows that
My heart grieves
We were prepared
And yet we weren’t
For who can prepare for something like this
It is impossible
It strikes at our core
Our innermost thoughts
The part of us that denies reality
That says, “it will never happen”
While our surface thoughts pretend that we knew it would happen all along
And as it strikes that core
A little part of us is torn away
The part that became intertwined
Entangled
Wrapped around
Dependent upon
That person’s life
And that little part can never be replaced
Scar tissue will cover it
Scar tissue will mask its removal
Scar tissue will hide the hole
Even as scar tissue boldly declares the absence of the original
It staggers you
It affects your entire body
Not just your emotional well-being
Your spiritual well-being
Your physical well-being
Your mental well-being
It makes you want to curl up in a corner
And cry and cry and cry
Until no more tears will come
Until the tears wash away the pain
Until the tears wash away the sorrow
Until the tears wash away the grief
Until the tears wash away the anguish
Until the tears wash away the gaping hole
But they never wash it all away
If the pain, the sorrow, the grief, the anguish ever totally disappeared
Then the memory would be gone
And that is the last thing that holds them to us
The pain, the sorrow, the grief, the anguish will fade
But God forbid they vanish
They will lessen
But God forbid they disappear
They will ebb
But God forbid they evaporate
Life becomes meaningless
Reality becomes a joke
For how can one go on when one is only partly there
How can one laugh when the source of laughter has departed
How can one continue a regular existence when existence has lost its life
Only God knows
And yet
We do
We continue
We are
We exist
Carrying on, trying to fill the hole, looking to God for mercy and strength
Trying not to feel
Never daring to hope to heal
As the world spins around us
A mockery of what it was
Bland and colorless
Threatening to leave us behind
If we cannot keep up
The world never understands
We can only trust
And blindly follow
When following is hardest
Accepting His will
When we don’t understand
Obeying His law
When it makes no sense
Believing His word
When it isn’t what we want to hear
And try to rest in His assurance
When rest is the hardest
Following in the dark
Searching for the light
And commit ourselves to His everlasting care
And pray that we too
Like those who have gone before us
Shall see Him in His glory
And His power
Surrounded by those who have lived faithfully and righteously
And those who have left us to see Him
Forever
This is our hope
And this hope is enough

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I suppose the first post of a blog, especially one's first blog, should be something thought-provoking, something witty, something to capture the reader's attention and draw them back time and time again, something pithy and time-defying.

Unfortunately, I don't have anything like that to say.

Please check your reality at the front desk, as well as any cynicism and disillusions you may have picked up along the way.
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